During all this time of Lynn’s treatments, my life had also changed. It wasn’t just the cancer and the treatment. My life was so focused on helping manage Lynn’s life that mine faded into the background. In some ways I had never felt closer to Lynn. Other ways, I never felt so distant. Lynn was reluctant to talk about her condition most of the time. I don’t think it was denial, but rather an acceptance of the current state. Sometimes she would say things like: “I want you to get married again.” or “What will you do?” and “I’ll never have grandchildren.” I had responses for the first two, but only tears for the last comment. Tears and heartbreak for Lynn because she wanted so much to spoil her future grandchildren. Tears and heartbreak for me because I was not going to see her in that role. Tears and heartbreak for our future grandchildren because they would never know the joy that Lynn would have brought to their lives.
I had legal documents prepared giving me power of attorney and medical power of attorney over Lynn. She couldn’t handle day to day decisions and I had to be able to deal with many things from the business side. I hated that we signed documents stating Lynn could not make those decisions any more. She was happy to do it because it meant less she must deal with. Dealing with the business side of our situation was a way for me to focus on something. Managing appointments and household matters were an escape. I almost enjoyed arguing with insurance companies. I also wanted all of Lynn’s energy focused on healing. I worried more and more about the road we seemed to be on. It was hard to stay positive. I tried to be upbeat and positive around Lynn to help keep her spirits up. I had friends and family that were praying for us. They were really praying, not just “our prayers are with you” kind of thing. It made me feel good knowing that so many people were talking to God about Lynn because I had no time for prayers anymore. I could make no sense of our situation. And telling me “it’s God’s plan” was no comfort at all. Explain this plan to me!