She’s Gone

We probably spent a couple of weeks trying to understand the ramifications of either decision. It really finally came down to how Lynn wanted to live out her short, precious time. It was an easy choice for me, but I think it was something that was hard for Lynn to comprehend. She was going to die soon, and she had to think about how to spend that time. We chose to forego any more treatment. The thought of her life becoming even more difficult due to side effects was not worth the few months it may buy her. Consider the ramifications of this. Are we choosing to give up or are we choosing to die gracefully? The end result was not in question. I certainly never considered that we gave up. I think she gave all. I don’t think Lynn could go through anymore for the small reward. If the oncologist had said that this was a cure, but you would go through hell for it to work, I know our answer would have been different. There was just nothing left to do.

We began hospice care for Lynn, and by now the home care was full time during the day. We spent our days quietly, sometimes as if nothing were wrong. Lynn wasn’t strong enough to do much. We had some quality time, but mostly it was just spending time. I wish we had talked more about important things, and about our life and love. Maybe it was too painful. We talked about the things that had to get done. The business side of dying. But we didn’t really talk from the heart as much as we should have. I didn’t realize this at the time, but I do now.

Lynn couldn’t communicate the last few days. Her body was shutting down and the growing cancer in her brain was affecting most of her abilities. Many of us sat with her and talked to her all day. We held her hands and told her we loved her. I told her several times that it was OK to let go, that we were all going to be OK. When Lynn passed on, I was holding her hand. I watched her take her last breath. I don’t know how long I cried.


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