In looking back at my posts, I realize how dark and sad the tone is. They are written from the heart and in the moment. I am generally an upbeat, positive, glass half full kind of person. I don’t like to dwell on the negative. Many years ago, I was prone to that and found that it was isolating and destructive. Then an angel came into my life and I found a new way to look at the world. Life became a kind and wonderful gift instead of a struggle to stay afloat. That angel was named Lynn and in many ways she saved me from myself. I learned about unconditional love and kindness. I learned about uninhibited intimacy. I found real happiness and partnership. From each other we learned about fire and passion and sharing and joy. As we grew together, we sort of grew up together. We were friends and partners for many years, which now seem like an instant. We had plans for many years of retirement together exploring new people and places. We had plans to slow down and savor life. We were foolish to think that we always had tomorrow.
So, you can see why my blog posts are the way they are. When Lynn passed on, I didn’t lose everything, it just feels that way right now. I still can’t find that sweet feeling of joy for the life we had together. I only feel the pain of not having that life anymore. I envy those of you with such strong faith that you can give glory to God in terribly difficult times. I want to be able to do that. I want my faith to hold me and comfort me, but I find that it doesn’t work for me. I don’t know why, but I will keep trying. I’m told I will slowly be able to adjust and find perspective, that my relationship with Lynn will take on a new dimension as the old relationship transforms. I think that will be good for me. I look forward to writing more positive posts.
For all of you in the midst of trying lives, my advise is this: hold on tightly to your loved ones. Hugs and kisses everyday. Talk, love, laugh and be gentle with each other.
Peace to you all.