I bought a Valentine’s Day card and flowers for Lynn today. I put them on the mantle by Lynn’s urn. Tomorrow I will open the card and read it to her. I guess this is one way for me to hold on a little longer. It’s one way to feel like she is still here with me. She is with me, but not in the same way as before. I feel like I need to let her know how much I love her, just as I used to, but I only know how to do this in my world. I talk to her without knowing if she hears me. This helps me a little, but I long for a response. I hold Lynn close in my mind and heart as I slowly learn to live my life alone in this world.
Counselors talk about the year of firsts because it’s the first year without a loved one for holidays, birthdays and special days. Thanksgiving was very hard, as was Christmas. I will get through this one, too. Weekends are the same. I used to look forward to the weekend so Lynn and I could spend extra time together. We dreaded Monday morning and the return to work. Now I live this backwards, dreading the free time that weekends provide. I am grateful for Monday and a return to routine and structure. I just get through the weekends. Sometimes I can find comfort at church. Sometimes I can find comfort in old pictures. Sometimes I find comfort in writing this blog and knowing that others will read it and understand. It helps me feel less alone. I love all of you out there.
Happy Valentine’s Day.