Letter to Lynn

My Dearest Lynn,

From the early days of our friendship, deep down in my heart, I knew you were the one. I had no idea how to make it happen, but I knew I needed you in my life. It was a difficult time for me when I couldn’t tell if you felt the same way. My heart ached when I couldn’t make it happen and you had other boyfriends. I was so stupid, and shy around girls. I had no self-confidence at all. And you were so beautiful and fun to be around. The more I wanted you, the more unsure I was of myself. I thought there was no way for someone like me to have a girl like you. And yet, our paths crossed again after a few years and I fell for you all over again. Your smile melted my heart. I was not going to let you go again. We renewed our friendship and added a scorching love life. Your family became my family. They accepted me, more so than my own family. Your parents became my parents. Your brothers became my brothers.

Early in our time together we didn’t seem to care that we didn’t have much. We had each other. We did everything together. We worked and then we loved and had fun. Even during these times, I still had my feeling of inadequacies, like I was going to lose you. Our good times far outnumbered our bad. There were very few bad times, just some growing pains from time to time. As we became more involved with our professional lives and with kid’s activities, I think we lost each other a little. I wish we had made more time for each other during this period. We did well with everything else, just not with our own intimacies. I should have been more available to you. My inability to communicate feelings very well was not helpful. I wish I could have been better at that. I felt like I was losing you. There was no rational reason for these feelings, just low self-confidence and low self-esteem. All those demons had stayed with me from my early teens. I am sorry for any pain that I may have caused you.

And then one night I felt something, like a spiritual crossing of our paths again. I recommitted to loving you like we were newlyweds again, and you responded. We became closer and freer with each other than we had been in years. It was wonderful and exciting. We were spending all our time together again. We loved like kids again. We couldn’t have been more happy and content with our lives. But, even during these beautiful years, I had uneasiness. For most of our forty-five years together, I would have recurring dreams of losing you to someone else, or never being able to be with you in the first place. I never told you of these dreams because they were so unsettling to me. Again, my demons. But, everything just moved forward in harmony for us. We made plans, we dreamed, we laughed, we shared, we loved. We were planning many years together in retirement, looking forward to being grandparents.

Then those damn demons became real and you truly were taken from me. Like a bullet to the heart, a shredding of my soul, a numbing of my reality. Everything I knew and trusted was torn from my grasp. And for what possible reason. Don’t tell me it’s God’s plan, as that is no comfort to me. Don’t tell me that time will heal these wounds. There is not enough time. How can such deep love for you become a source of pain? Lynn, my love, where are you now? Is there really a promised land where we’ll meet again? I need to believe in that now. I can’t bear the thought that this life is just biology. I cannot believe that there is nothing after that death. Because if I believe that, then I truly have lost you forever, and I can’t carry that weight. I have to hold you again, kiss you again, look into your eyes and hear your laugh. Please let there be someplace where you are waiting for me without time or pain. Where we can become one again for eternity. I love you, Babe.

Until we’re together again.

 

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