One year ago an MRI revealed Lynn’s brain tumor and started the unraveling of our lives. A number of friends remembered and touched base with me to see how I was doing. What beautiful people they are. At that time, it seems so long ago, even after Lynn’s long brain surgery, I remember being optimistic. None of the medical team gave me this false hope, but it was my own feeling. It may have been due to my love for Lynn or maybe just denial. Maybe I just had to keep hope alive to get through it all. If we had known then that we would only have 5 more months together, I think we would have done things differently.
Death is a hard thing to think about when you’re at the start of something like this. You become consumed with learning as much as possible about the cancer. You search weeks and weeks for treatments that may help. All of your effort is focused on extending life, on finding the magic cure. There’s no time to think about anything but life. What if the doctors told you that your spouse had 6 – 12 months to live but you had to do surgery and radiation and chemo? But then the doctors told you that without any treatment, your spouse would only have 2 – 3 months to live. I think that I would take the latter, and I think Lynn would have, too. I wish I had been able to spend real quality time with Lynn. It seemed like the treatments were killing her as much as the cancer was. I wish we could have had 2 months of just us: no doctors, no hospitals, no treatments, no ER’s, no ICU’s and no surgeries. Does that sound like abandoning hope and giving up? I guess it might. There’s always hope for a miracle, right? To me, it is choosing life. Real life and real love. Of course, for me, it is all hindsight. We really don’t know what will happen, but we can have faith and hope during devastating times. Trust that the decisions you make are the right ones. I wish you all peace and strength.