I find myself in a fog today, completely out of sync with the world. I have been missing Lynn a lot lately and I am not sleeping well. This afternoon has been filled with tears. I feel like crap. This seems to happen with regularity. I will have a period of time where I feel like I’m making progress, feeling somewhat OK, and then everything falls apart. I feel physically and mentally broken. All of the grief counselling and group sessions explain the nonlinear attribute of grief, but there is no way to prepare yourself for it. Days like this come out of nowhere and you hit a wall. Days like this hurt. I feel like I am going backwards in my healing. I know I’m not, but these curves are almost debilitating. It’s an effort to do just about everything. The grief of losing Lynn has brought me pain that I cannot describe. It is deep and complex.
These times also shake my faith. I try to honor God daily. I am trying to live a righteous and peaceful life. The Lord knows that I have not always done that. I pray for strength and peace in my life. I pray for guidance, purpose and meaning in my life. I pray for the Lord to ease the weight I carry. Days like this make it hard. Maybe I’m being tested. This is going to be a much longer battle than I had anticipated.