I was thinking about my life and came to understand that I really have two lives. I have one that is frozen in time from my life with Lynn. It’s not really from the day she passed, but rather the whole life we shared all jumbled up in memory. Days when we were young and days when we were older, but more from the early years. I can’t explain why my thoughts go there more often. Maybe because it was a simpler life for us. But this life of mine is forever in the past, forever with Lynn. And Lynn will never grow old, so it’s hard to grasp that I will. I can’t imagine that someday I will be 80 and she will always be the gorgeous, ageless woman in my life. I desperately want to hold onto this life, this love, this joy. At the same time I know I can’t hang on the way I want. I will have the memories as long as God allows me to have them. I will have the ache in my heart as long as it’s beating. I will have pictures and friends to reminisce with. But these things can never replace the real thing.
My second life is under way. This is the life moving forward from the past. I go to work. I take care of the household. I wonder what my purpose in life will become. I search for meaning and mission. I float through life and lose days at a time. I can’t think about the future because my present takes all my energy. I feel so disconnected from normal life that I have to push myself to meet friends for an evening. I am completely uncomfortable going out to do things socially. I have never been an introvert, I just feel like half a person. I will slowly make my way and do more things and meet new people. I continue to go to weekly mass and try to find comfort in the readings. I will continue to get up in the morning and go to work no matter how meaningless it seems. I will look for that new purpose and hope I recognise it when I see it.