A couple of weeks ago was our wedding anniversary. I thought I was doing OK, but realized I was really just sleepwalking through the days leading up to that date. Grieving a significant loss can play many games with your head. It was good to think about our wedding day and starting our young lives together. I smiled looking at pictures and cried a little over my loss. But several days were spent in a fog, very much like the time soon after losing Lynn. Except, this time I didn’t realized I was in that state. I couldn’t focus thoughts on anything longer than a couple of minutes. My mind raced and wandered. I wasn’t sleeping. But I didn’t know until after the anniversary day when my mind calmed. It was a little frightening wondering how I got through those few days.
But then, I think my life is going to be like that for a while. I feel as though I am just passing time. I don’t know why I am here or what my purpose is anymore. I pray for guidance and a mission. I’ve heard people talk about these life events and having to move on, to get on with your life. What does that mean, to move on. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to leave behind the life I shared with Lynn. I think I can move forward, not live in the past, but I will carry Lynn in my heart. Lately, moving forward means getting out of bed and taking care of myself. That’s about it. Moving on means leaving the past behind. I cannot and will not do that. I can’t see a future and can barely plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I get through it. And then I get through the next tomorrow. That’s why it feels like I’m just passing time. I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself, but I do examine my feelings and my life. I get to the store, hop on the bike, watch a little TV because I feel like I need to fill the days. None of it feels important, though, because I don’t share it with Lynn. I’m learning to live without Lynn in the physical and hold her close in the spiritual. I’m not moving on, but I look forward to God blessing me with a new mission.