I’ve been feeling lately like I need a change. I’ve looked at moving to a new house and also looked at buying a new car. I am organizing and getting rid of some things that haven’t been used in a long time. I can’t tell if I’m trying to eliminate so many ever present memories, or if I just plain need change. Lynn’s absence can be oppressive at times. When you spend years with someone in the same house, you can’t turn around without a memory. It’s not that the memories are bad, it’s just that I cannot live my life in memories. At some point I have to begin living a new life instead of just being alive.
When someone told me the second year would be harder than the first, I thought they were crazy. The first year passed in a fog of grief and pain. The second year, the grief has been replaced with a true realization that Lynn is gone. The loneliness and quiet sets in. I have to live with my thoughts and my own decisions. It’s almost like the grief and pain of the first year kept me company along with still vivid memories of my life with Lynn. Now those things are fading and there is nothing to fill that void. It’s a big hole in my life to fill. I try to keep busy with work and activity. I try to find comfort in faith. From a reading at today’s mass: “Jesus said to his disciples: …Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your lifespan?” While this makes perfect sense to me, it is still hard for me to live without worry. I have developed some trust issues since Lynn left this world. Another verse that gives a little comfort: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I definitely fit this description and look forward to feeling this joy.