Losing Youth

I have come to realize some new levels of my grief. Losing Lynn was not just losing my wife. The surface losses are of course the loss of my partner and confidant, the loss of my lover and the loss of my best friend. But there are deeper losses that don’t reveal themselves at first. One I’ve been experiencing is the loss of my youth. Lynn and I met in high school and became friends, then lovers, then husband and wife. We grew into adults together and became parents together. Our lives are connected from middle age back to our youth. When you grow older with someone,  as you spend years together, you never really lose that youth you shared. At least we didn’t. So we never really felt like we were aging because we had that life together. You can still grow older but remain the same to each other. As time moves past my loss of Lynn I have had to look forward alone, and I have to reflect on myself and my life alone. I came to mourn the loss of youth because I came to understand my own age and the fraction of time on this earth. I can have other friends and maybe even another lady to share my life. But, I can never have those bonds to youth with that new person and the intimate understanding of how we became who we are. Maybe this is the meaning of a soulmate, of the one true love of your life.

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