Losing Faith

I try to live my life with a mind toward kindness, honesty and love. Some might call it living a Christian life, but there are many Christians that live with hate and greed. So I choose to not use that description. I don’t always follow a righteous path, but I do make the effort. God tests us in ways that are obvious and also obscure. We have the free will to make our choices when tested, but sometimes those choices are not always straightforward. And because of this, the results can be complicated. It’s easy to understand the black and white of the commandments. It’s difficult to understand the complexities of life. Who hasn’t asked why little children suffer disease and hunger just because they were born? And who doesn’t wonder why there are atrocities occurring around the world on a daily basis. Theological discussions are endless on these types of questions.

My question is more personal. Why did God need to take Lynn from this world and why did she have to suffer through cancer? Is this my ultimate test from God? I will admit that during her illness and after her death, I was pretty angry with God. I just couldn’t understand the purpose. I could accept if it had been me, but not this gentle soul that was my partner. During Lynn’s illness, a co-worker of mine was also being treated for cancer. A few ladies would regularly pray for them. At one point, the other person was declared “cleared” of cancer, a remission of sorts. We were all very excited and one of the “prayer” ladies declared, “See what the power of prayer can do!” Lynn passed away soon after. Did they not pray as hard for her? Was Lynn not worthy of their prayers or mine? These are the questions and tests that are not so clear. I now pray everyday for God to help me find peace and purpose again, to find some normality. I want God to touch my life and fill my heart. I ache for the feeling that many of you describe about feeling God’s love and knowing that He will provide. And still I pray without answers while holding onto my faith.

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