When you spend many years together with someone, you become partners and confidants in everything. Lynn and I were like that. We always made decisions together about almost everything. We shared secrets and dreams. We supported each other in all endeavors. What I couldn’t do, she did. What she couldn’t do, I did. Decisions were shared over the big and the tiny. Even at work, I prefer a collaborative environment over a solitary one.
So, when you take away half of a two person partnership, the results can be devastating. Early on, I found it difficult to make the simplest decisions. I’m doing better with this now, but the effect is changing. I find that I have lost a lot of confidence in myself and my life. The future I had envisioned is gone, which leaves me with a very big unknown. I have developed a generalized anxiety because I just don’t know what can be counted on in this life. No guarantees. I like guarantees. Also, being alone makes you more aware of your frailties and shortcomings. I don’t have that helping hand with me. I find too many of my thoughts beginning with ” What would happen if ..” or ” Who will help me when ..” The thoughts seem irrational, but they still come to me. The one thing I can count on is that God loves me and has a plan for me. I don’t know what that plan is, but I hope it reveals itself soon.
Peace and Strength